You may be wondering what my title to this blog post is about. It is in reference to “Attachment in adults.” Over the years, when it comes to men I tend to be the one that tends to get hurt in some way or form, regardless if that’s being lied to or wasted my time. Some of you may remember me talking about a long distance relationship that I had, which I mostly spoke about on Tumblr (if you follow me there.) That relationship has been over for a while now because…well, let’s just call the guy a liar. It hurt me so much because this was a man that I felt so strongly for and I’ve never felt that way about anyone. When I discovered he lied to me about something so big, I felt betrayed. I cried about it and I rarely cry. It broke my heart. Despite apologizing to me, even asking what did I want him to do, I couldn’t forgive him. I’m no longer in contact with him and it’s for the best.
Currently, I’m in a relationship with someone else and it’s not a long distance relationship. This guy lives in the same state as me and we normally see each other every weekend. The thing about it is I have trust issues because of the previous LDR guy and another guy, but that’s a story that’s best left in the closet. I didn’t feel that way the first couple of weeks of our relationship, but around the 3rd-4th week I started getting doubts. Something happened that I noticed very small detail that caused me to start over thinking. I can’t exactly remember what it was, but whatever it was it made think about what happened with the LDR guy. Ever since then I’ve been having thoughts because I’m afraid of getting hurt again.
Anxious-Preoccupied is a type of attachment in adults that deals with the theory of attachment in adult relationships, including romantic relationships. There are four identified types in adults: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant. After reading about the different once, I discovered that I’m aligned somewhat with anxious-preoccupied. This is what describes that type:
“People with anxious-preoccupied attachment type tend to agree with the following statements: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like,” and “I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’ value me as much as I value them.” People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They may feel a sense of anxiousness that only reduces when in contact with their partner and blame themselves for their partner’s lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry and impulsiveness in their relationships.”
I was thoroughly shocked when I read this, because it describes how I can be quite well. When in a relationship, I require consistency. There is a phrase ‘when the honeymoon is over.’ I noticed with men that they come on quite consistently in the beginning. Actively texting, sending cute messages throughout the day, good morning texts that instantly boost your mood for the rest of the day, and so on, but after a certain amount of time passes all of that stops. I’ve only known one person that was consistent with me from the beginning until the end. As women, we tend to notice whenever a guy that we’re interested or in a relationship with, stops doing something they used to do often. Even if it’s so small, it’s something that we have grown fond of and that makes us happy. When it stops it’s not hard for us to take notice. Now, there could be multiple reasons as to why something stops happening, maybe they felt it was becoming repetitive and held no meaning anymore, busy, talking to someone new, or just didn’t want to anymore. Either way, we start to miss things like that.
My relationship with my boyfriend has been good so far, but I still go through my trust issues and worrying. I’m trying my hardest to trust that everything will be good but I’m so fearful that he will hurt me somehow and he is fully aware that I do have fear and do worry. When I mentioned my worries to my cousin, she suggested I change his text notification to a song that I despise so whenever I hear it when he texts me to let it go. That text sound is Frozen’s “Let It Go.” It helps…but only a tad bit. I can be impulsive whenever I’m feeling a certain way and I’m trying my hardest not to say or do anything that would make it worse (because I have before.)
Sometimes I have to keep myself busy as not to worry about things, but like at this very moment it doesn’t really help much. I try writing, reading, spending time with a relative, but that stuff only helps for so long. The last thing I would want is my worrying to cause a rift between us and he breaks up with me or something else because of it.
Anyways, I just had to get this off my chest and what other way but to blog about it, lol.